I’ve been at this party for what feels like hours now, I had a couple of drinks and I am just sitting here watching people dance, run around take pictures and have a good time. I think this boy is looking at me on the other side of the room, but I can’t tell because ever time I make eye contact he looks way and I don’t want to be that person starring at people, I am always that person. I put my head back in the chair, looking up at the dark clear sky, I always imagine that those stars in the sky where doing the same thing as me, trying to reach out to each other and yet, being so far apart never touching.
I usually don’t talk about current events because I feel they get talked about enough, but I thought I change that today. When I heard that Robin Williams had died from an apparent suicide, I wasn’t that surprised as I knew he had issues that followed him thru his life. Yet, it still hit me hard because when you see someone that pretty much had it all not be able to overcome the darkness, it makes you take pause at your own darkness.
Now before I get into this: No, I have not thought about or tried to end my life. Nor can I speak on Robin Williams’s depression, as it is different for all of us and takes different forms, I can only speak on what I know and feel when that darkness inside me tries to take over.
I realized that something was wrong about eleven years ago, when I realized I enjoy doing nothing and sleeping more then I should. I was depressed and I didn’t understand why. I remember the feeling, it’s why I call it the darkness, a void of thought and feeling, and letting everything pass threw you, nothing fazes you be it good or bad feelings. Luckily for me it comes and goes, and I am more able to manage it these days, but I still feel it inside of me and I always will fear when it will come back if I lose the things that keep it in check.
And what keep it in check is the people in my life. I figured out the trigger to my depression recently and it is the lack of people in my life to keep me social, because when I am not around people the darkness grows quickly. It is kind of ironic that a antisocial person life me needs to be social, but it makes sense as they are connected. It’s hard to keep that act up, acting like I am able to handle to being around people when every chemical in my head says otherwise. I am sure to everyone outside my body it looks weird that I talk too much, or too little, or that I do weird things, but it’s me trying my best not to slip into that void, not to lose everything. Being a part of something is all I ever wanted, it makes me feel happy, I dream about it all the time. Sometimes I wish the dreams where real.
I feel that the darkness sometimes makes me forget that, sometimes I feel alone, sometimes I feel left out, sometimes I feel I don’t belong. Its the darkness. Then the darkness also makes me want the feeling of belonging even more, I don’t know how to turn it off and it gets me in a place I should be or shouldn’t be doing. The darkness also makes it hard to know what is real or what is fake, which people are genuine or what people are just using me..or if I am using them; sometimes I just get off on the fake stuff because it is there and I feel ashamed that I do it.
I think to myself a lot that social media probably saved my life. It opens me up to so many people and made sure that I didn’t stay in the darkness. I also think to myself it also gave the darkness more power when my interactions fail, which happens more then I like to admit when I think of all the people who are on the fringes of my life for many reasons, for the most part because of my antisocial issues. I don’t know how people do it, but I think that is another post for another day.
Unfortunately depression just doesn’t go away, even if your life is amazing or the worst. It is something you just have to manage and take care of, and having the support of others helps in the long run. To fight the darkness you can’t run from it, you have to face it and not let it overcome you, there is always hope and there is always light.